Having spent many years away from the presence of the Holy Spirit and wondering in truth if I really had the connection in the first place, I am always very aware of what friends and even family might consider of my convictions now. Foolishness. Absurdity. By the world logic, I can understand that. But I have looked at world logic and for me, it falls short. It relies on theories that remain unproven (often expanded or renounced as part of the changing cycle of technology and discovery) ideologies often flawed when put into practice and sentiments that can prove dangerous. Ultimately, it relies on man to provide the answers, when man is just as changeable as the seasons.
I understand arguments. I understand why it’s hard to comprehend something that some think only a child should believe. The only thing I can tell you is it’s the truth. And sometimes I feel foolish even for saying that, because I lack the ability to quote a lot of scripture and assign it its chapter and verse much of the time. I may not be strong in scripture, but I have faith and the faith comes from an internal knowing and conviction, which I have had since a young child when no one in my house dared step inside a church, except for possibly a wedding or funeral.
I cannot begin to convey the true experience of having a demon growling at my mother and myself the night I was concerned my friend was in grave danger. I cannot convey to you the sound of this low growling that starts to get louder and the shaking of my entire being as I tell my mother we need to leave the house. I cannot tell you the sense of dread and fear that was within me at that moment. But my mother understood what it was.
I cannot explain why I captured something in two photos from different angles while not actually seeing it with my own eyes (they were meant to be evidence photos for the police after a flatmate went nuts, as they didn’t bring a camera but subsequently didn’t ask for the photos) and having a photo developer telling me there was nothing in the camera or anything else like strange lighting that would explain the images.
I cannot explain to you why my brother and I both heard someone come into the house (creaking and the opening and closing of the front door and footsteps up the outside stairs and the familiar creak as someone walked into the hallway) and we were in different parts of the house and were both surprised when there was no one else inside the house.
But I can explain that none of these things were good or benevolent. I can say they were not a mere product of my imagination. Because in all instances, something was either captured, or heard by more than one person. These are just three experiences, all different.
In the past I had tried to minimize what they were. Explain them and far worse encounters as being merely trivial experiences. Like the dog barking and the person in the room who should have heard the dog barking didn’t – but people upstairs did. Oh, there was a dog, but apparently she was quiet the whole time! I’ve tried to put some of the memories into some compartment that is off limits because they defy logic. Just as God defies logic for many. But the fact remains, the memories are true and the conviction of God is stronger than ever before.
So all I can do is look at 1 Corinthians 1:18-29 and how it appears to the average person, versus the person of faith:
For the message of the cross is foolishness [absurd and illogical] to those who are perishing and spiritually dead [because they reject it], but to us who are being saved [by God’s grace] it is the [manifestation of] the power of God. For it is written and forever remains written,
“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise [the philosophy of the philosophers], and the cleverness of the clever [who do not know me] I will nullify.
Where is the wise man (philosopher)? Where is the scribe (scholar)? Where is the debater (logician, orator) of this age? Has God not exposed the foolishness of this world’s wisdom? For since the world through all its [earthly] wisdom failed to recognize God, God in is wisdom was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached [regarding salvation] to save those who believe [in Christ and welcome him as Savior]. For Jews demand signs (attesting miracles), and Greeks pursue [worldly] wisdom and philosophy, but we preach Christ crucified, [a message which is] to Jews a stumbling block [that provokes opposition] and to Gentiles foolishness [just utter nonsense], but to those who are the called, both Jews and Greeks (Gentiles), Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God. [This is] because the foolishness of God [is not foolishness at all and] is wiser than men [far beyond human comprehension], and the weakness of God is stronger than men [far beyond the limits of human effort].
Just look at your own calling, believers: not many [of you were considered] wise according to human standards, not many powerful or influential, not many of high and noble birth. But God has selected [for His purpose] the foolish things of the world to shame the wise [revealing their ignorance], and God has selected [for His purpose] the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong [revealing their frailty]. God has selected [for His purpose] the insignificant (base) things of the world and the things that are despised and treated with contempt (even) the things that are nothing, so that He might reduce to nothing the things that are, so that no one may [be able to] boast in the presence of God.
The whole answer to this one, is that I am spiritually alive, where before I was perishing. I would rather die a fool in the eyes of the world, than a fool against God.
What strikes me about this passage is that I cannot go head-to-head in debate (well I can, but the problem is I tend to understand and emphathise on a lot of levels to make it crippling to argue well) and am not quick-witted, but I know the truth. I have stumbled around in the wilderness dying of thirst for understanding of my place in all of this and the Holy Spirit quenches my thirst. I am no longer parched from lacking, but rather drink in the Oasis of His glory and understand my purpose in life is wherever He calls me. It is not to understand human constructs like carbon dating in relation to dinosaur bones, or fragmented bones relating to Lucy et al. It is not to debate the merits of one political system over another – in human practical situations they all become flawed, which is a testament to the inherent flaws of humanity! So why do we continue to rely on man for understanding?
It is not to determine if there is a God particle. There’s way more than a God particle! There’s the Almighty God!
What is left for me to discover is why I have been spared and to wait upon the Lord until He deems I am ready. Until then, I continue to learn the scripture, re-examine it with fresh eyes and watch as God shows me something new.
And to pray.
I wasn’t much for prayer before. I didn’t see it as that important, but it is. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here today.